Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
