oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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