Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
