Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I need to stop coming to work sober
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
