there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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