K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
