I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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