I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
