This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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