He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
