I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
