Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
