I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
