He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
