He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize