You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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