Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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