I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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