now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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