so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
