Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
