i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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