Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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