I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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