i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
