If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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