I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just puked most of my soul out..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize