Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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