This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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