woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
