The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
