Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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