My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize