Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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