I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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