I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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