I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
