im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
