Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
