Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
