two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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