My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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