I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
