just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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