Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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