If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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