1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
