i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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