Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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