I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
