Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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