Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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