Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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