I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
