I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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