i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
