Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I am one with the molecules
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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